Until we meet again Dad

What is grief? I don't know if anyone really knows the answer to that. At the moment I would describe it as an agonizing emotional pain that is so powerful it hurts physically. In the early hours of Friday 22nd April my wonderful, kind, loving dad peacefully passed away after what has been a long and sometimes painful eleven year journey. I had the privilege and honour of walking every step of that journey with my dad right until the end.  He was brave and a fighter and the most loving man I have ever known. I miss him dearly already. While my heart is full of an unbearable sadness it is also full of pride and gratitude that I got to call that man dad. He was and still is my hero and my best friend.
I have never been more thankful for the blessings of the temple than I am right now. How thankful am I that families are eternal. That death is not the end. Families are forever. This parting, however painful, is just temporary. That knowledge is probably the only thing getting me out of bed each day at the minute. How blessed am I that the lord gave my dad to me. That I got to spend 27 amazing and wonderful love filled years with him and that in the next life I can be with him for all eternity. I can only imagine how joyful and amazing the day will be when we are reunited. In some way I almost can't wait for that day.
The truth is I would give anything to have one more hug with my dad. To say one more goodnight and one more I love you Dad. It has only been five days and I already long to hear his voice again. To hear him tell me he loves me just one more time.
People keep telling me that grief is a funny thing and in some way I can see how it is. I can't really describe my emotions, my feelings or even my thoughts at the minute. Everything just seems to hurt and there seems to be no relief.
I do believe however, that relief will come. In the same way that I know families are forever I also know that Christ  has already felt all the pain I have felt and that the gospel does and will help to heal my pain. It may not be straight away, it may not be this year, it may not be for years to come but it will eventually come.
All I can do until that relief comes is hold on. Hold on to the gospel truths that I know, hold on to the memories of my dad and the calming knowledge that he is at peace and no longer suffering. Hold on until we are reunited again.
Goodnight , I love you dad forever.
till we meet again xxxx

A daughters love is eternal

There are some things in this life that although we are aware they will happen we are never quite prepared for them. One of them times is losing one of your parents. Although it is the natural order of things I don't think there is any way to prepare yourself for it. At least I have not found that way yet.
My wonderful, rather fabulous dad has been sick for around 11 years and has , by the grace of God, survived cancer twice in those 11 years. He is however now old, tired and if truth be told ready to go home. Despite the years of sickness and the numerous challenges they brought us, despite knowing that one day he would of course have to return home to Heavenly Father, there is nothing that can prepare you to hear the words "your dad is dying" or "your dad will die".
There have been times this past week where I have looked at my dad and thought no way is this happening and at other times I have looked at him and felt fear that this may very well be the moment it all happens. The truth is I am not ready to lose my dad. He raised me, loved me and made me who I am. He taught me to have faith, to trust in the lord regardless of what the world teaches, he showed me how to love unconditionally and he taught me the offside rule. I am proud to be his daughter and I hope he is proud of me.
There are no words that can ease the pain within my heart, there is no magic cure that can take away the fear and anguish I feel. What there is however is my faith in the lord and the healing power of the atonement. The path I walk right now may be difficult, the weeks ahead uncertain and filled with despair, but I know that I do not walk it alone. The saviour walks it right beside me. When it all becomes too much and I can't walk another step he will carry me. I have no doubt that that is true.
I love my dad. He is my hero and my best friend. I don't want to lose him ever but I can and I do take comfort in the knowledge that he will be going to a place of peace and glory. A place of rest where he will be reunited with those family members he has missed for a long time. Although it is difficult there is also a joy and a beauty within the gospel of Christ and the knowledge that death is not the end.
The truth is I do not always understand God's reasoning but I trust him completely. I am and always will be my daddy's princess and my love for him, just like families, is eternal.

Where there is darkness there is light.

Life is a mixture of experiences and emotions, some good some bad, and each one with a purpose specific to our individual needs. Sometimes these experiences and emotions over lap and it becomes difficult to decipher how you really feel. 

These such emotions and experiences are over lapping in my life right now. I am filled with joy and excitement as I plan my wedding and my future. I am filled with hope for the new chapter in my life and all it may bring. I am also filled with anguish and sadness and fear over my dad's health. These multiple feelings over lap each other like crashing waves, making it difficult to truly know how I really feel. 

There is one feeling however that remains the same throughout. That is the feeling of the love of My saviour and Heavenly Father. That feeling and emotion never changes. Regardless of circumstance. 

In the moments of joy I am thankful to my Heavenly Father for the many wonderful blessings he has seen fit to bless me with. In the more painful moments, filled with anguish and serious levels of anxiety and uncertainty I am filled with the love of my saviour and the knowledge I have that he will not leave me comfort less, he will come to me. Even when the world seems dark, faith in Christ and his love for us means there will always be a light. 

A family is forever

“I never said it would be easy I only said it would be worth it” 

Life is hard. It is difficult and painful. Sometimes it seems cruel and unfair and we feel that the weight of all our trials is simply too heavy for us to bare. Some of us go through trials that are so heavy they bring us to our knees, mentally, spiritually and sometimes even physically.  Life is a journey. It is a journey we are all taking. While no two journeys will be the same there are some trials we will all, at some point in our lifetime, go through. We will all have to face the trial of losing someone that we love. We will all feel grief, sorrow and pain. We will feel anger and some of us will feel that our trials are unjust and that justice is missing from the world and our lives.

All of those feelings are justified. Trials, by their very definition are hard but I truly believe that they are in some way worth it. Our trials, though painful and difficult at the time, help us to grow. They teach us things that we didn’t know about ourselves and others. They remind us of not just who we are but who’s.

There are no words, scriptures or a specific amount of hugs that can take away the pain of losing a loved one. As religious as I am I know that faith itself is not a magic cure. It does not take the hurt away, what it does do however is give us hope. Hope that this is NOT the end. That death is simply the start of a new and final chapter in someone’s journey. That a family is eternal. I can only imagine what a wonderful experience it will be to live with those we love and all those we have lost forever.  To live in a place and a time where goodbyes no longer exist. What a wonderful blessing that is.

So yes trials are hard, losing a loved one is probably the most painful of them all but I take comfort in the knowledge that a family is forever. I know that everything I feel I do not feel alone. The saviour has already felt my pain, my anguish. He has already cried the tears I cry. He knows. He knows my pain. He knows me. “You may cry out no one understands, no one knows, but the son of God perfectly knows and understands. He can reach out, touch and strengthen” (David A Bednar)

This life is not meant to be easy but we are promised that it will be worth it. Death is not the end it is simply a new beginning. 

A life without limits

Limitations live only in our own minds, but if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become endless....
When I was 19 I spent an entire summer working with children who had special educational needs and various other disabilities. I spent hours and hours telling those children that they could do whatever they set their minds to, regardless of their disability. I had the pleasure and honor of seeing those children take part in activities and events they never thought they could do! They forgot about the limitations imposed on them by their disability and instead they focused on the end result. They focused on their dream, on their goal and they did it!!! Sometimes the activities had to be adapted to suit their needs, but adaption does not mean you can't do it.. it just means you do it differently.
I often wondered what some of those children thought when I was telling them they could do anything they wanted. I wonder if they thought it was an easy thing for me to say, after all I did not live with a disability. I am sure many of them had that thought and to be honest I don't blame them. I would have thought the same thing had I been them. My lack of disability however, did not change my beliefs that the only limitations we have in life are the ones we impose on ourselves.
The opportunity to test this theory out came three years ago when I received my epilepsy diagnosis. It was time to prove that I was not all fur coat and no knickers but that I meant every word I had ever told those children.
Something I have realized over the past three years is that sometimes it is not you putting the limitations on yourself but other people imposing them on you instead. Once people know that you have a problem they are very quick to point out all of the things you can't do. They begin to risk assess you and analise  your life, deciding for you what you should and should not do!! I don't even think people do it to be unkind. I think they do it partly to be helpful and partly because it is just like second nature to them, like the overweight child at the buffet who can't resist filling their plate with snack sized sausage rolls and chocolate cake they can't resist imparting their wisdom and making decisions about your life for you.
Suddenly you find yourself stuck with more limitations than you had ever previously imagined and feeling pretty rubbish and not exactly positive towards life.
The truth is that when we are faced with challenges and limitations we have two choices... either to accept them or to challenge them. I personally LOVE a challenge!!!!! After my diagnosis and even up until a few months ago I and others placed so many limitations on my life it was stifling!! Limitations on my job, my hobbies, my social life , every aspect of my life was somehow being limited by epilepsy. Then I realized (with the help of some very special people) that the only limitations I had were the ones I was imposing on myself!!!
I may have epilepsy but epilepsy does not have me. I am blessed to have people in my life who encourage me to chase after my dreams and take risks. I have family, friends and Andy (don't know how I did that!)  who love me regardless of my epilepsy and who see me as the same person I was before. I have a business and a job that I love and I have more ugg boots than Australia!!!!!
I choose to live my life without limitations. I believe in myself and my own abilities.
We are confined only by the walls we build for ourselves .... so knock them down!!!!!
Smile, be happy, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. 

Grateful ...no matter what

Choose to be grateful no matter what .... Is another one of my favourite quotes.. I know I know I have many!!! It's the no matter what part that I like the most. Showing gratitude for the things we have is easy when we have everything we want and when life is working out just how we want it to. In those situations it is easy to be thankful because we feel happiness and joy and those feelings seem to work hand in hand with gratitude. It is a lot harder however, to be grateful in the more difficult, trying times of our lives. Those difficult times cloud our judgement and  that darkness often makes it hard for us to see the the things we have to be thankful for. 

I know this is true... I spent a large part of 2014 feeling sorry for myself because life wasn't turning out the way I wanted it to ... My own negativity stopped me from seeing all the wonderful things I had and still have to be thankful for. Thankfully for me, and those around me who got sick of seeing me walking around with a face like a bulldog chewing on a wasp, I now view life from a much more cheery and Christlike view point. 

Like I said in my previous post life is turning out pretty good right now but when I think about it a large amount of the blessings I have in my life now I had all along. They haven't just appeared they were there the whole time I just stopped noticing them!!!! 

So here are some of the blessings I am grateful for, .... 

1: great family and friends who are always more than willing to dry my tears and feed me chocolate 

2: The temple ... There is no other place on earth where I feel closer to my Heavenly Father than the temple 

3: Twizzlers, lucky charms and twinkles and the people who buy them for me (you know who you are!) 

4: the opportunity to teac youth Sunday school each week.. They are a crazy bunch of people but I love them, they never fail to make me smile and each one of them inspires me 

5: the opportunities I have had and still have to travel and experiences new things... Including the street in Albuquerqe that has my name!! 

6: The never ending love of my saviour 

7: my own business!!! And our gorgeous purple logo!!!!! 

8: the atonement and the new beginnings it has given me 

9: medicine, the NHS and my amazing neurologist ... 

10: the opportunities I have to help others ... Nothing gives me more warm fuzzies than doing something for someone else 

President Monson said regardless of our circumstances, each of us has much for which to be grateful if we will but pause and contemplate our blessings 

Sometimes we need to step outside, get some air and remind yourself of not just who you are but who's. 

2015 goals ... Bring it on

It's 2015 ... It's January 16th and I am ashamed to say that this is my first blog of the year!!! Life has been crazy busy since Christmas and so much has been going on I am having a hard time keeping up!!!!! 

I am not a massive fan of New Years resolutions, I don't really understand how the date changing on a Calendar can provide us with endless willpower and that burning desire to make great changes in our lives, give up our vices and improve ourselves. Surely if we really want to change something in our lives we will do it whatever day or month it is???  I do however like the idea of having new year goals. I think goals and dreams are an important part of life. Goals help us keep focused and dreams give us something to aim for!!!! 

Last year was a strange year for me. Lots of things changed in my life. Some things changed because I wanted them to and some things changed because for my own good and learning. All of the changes, both good and bad, gave me the opportunity to do a few things 

1: to grow closer to my Heavenly Father and gain a better understanding of his plan for me 

2: increased my trust in the lords plan for me 

3: take a leap of faith 

4: make a dream come true and start my own business 

My goals for 2015 are 

1: continue working hard and making building blocks successful 

2: continue to improve my relationship with my Heavenly Father 

3: find at least two things to be positive about each day 

4: visit the temple at least 4 times 

This life I am living at the moment may not be the one I had planned for myself but I have no doubt that it is the life Heavenly Father had planned for me and the truth is as crazy and different as it feels right now it also feels good and right and I feel very blessed. I know that 2015 is going to be a good year :) 

Smile, be happy you are exactly where you are supposed to be