What is grief? I don't know if anyone really knows the answer to that. At the moment I would describe it as an agonizing emotional pain that is so powerful it hurts physically. In the early hours of Friday 22nd April my wonderful, kind, loving dad peacefully passed away after what has been a long and sometimes painful eleven year journey. I had the privilege and honour of walking every step of that journey with my dad right until the end. He was brave and a fighter and the most loving man I have ever known. I miss him dearly already. While my heart is full of an unbearable sadness it is also full of pride and gratitude that I got to call that man dad. He was and still is my hero and my best friend.
I have never been more thankful for the blessings of the temple than I am right now. How thankful am I that families are eternal. That death is not the end. Families are forever. This parting, however painful, is just temporary. That knowledge is probably the only thing getting me out of bed each day at the minute. How blessed am I that the lord gave my dad to me. That I got to spend 27 amazing and wonderful love filled years with him and that in the next life I can be with him for all eternity. I can only imagine how joyful and amazing the day will be when we are reunited. In some way I almost can't wait for that day.
The truth is I would give anything to have one more hug with my dad. To say one more goodnight and one more I love you Dad. It has only been five days and I already long to hear his voice again. To hear him tell me he loves me just one more time.
People keep telling me that grief is a funny thing and in some way I can see how it is. I can't really describe my emotions, my feelings or even my thoughts at the minute. Everything just seems to hurt and there seems to be no relief.
I do believe however, that relief will come. In the same way that I know families are forever I also know that Christ has already felt all the pain I have felt and that the gospel does and will help to heal my pain. It may not be straight away, it may not be this year, it may not be for years to come but it will eventually come.
All I can do until that relief comes is hold on. Hold on to the gospel truths that I know, hold on to the memories of my dad and the calming knowledge that he is at peace and no longer suffering. Hold on until we are reunited again.
Goodnight , I love you dad forever.
till we meet again xxxx
Wednesday, 27 April 2016
Saturday, 2 April 2016
A daughters love is eternal
There are some things in this life that although we are aware they will happen we are never quite prepared for them. One of them times is losing one of your parents. Although it is the natural order of things I don't think there is any way to prepare yourself for it. At least I have not found that way yet.
My wonderful, rather fabulous dad has been sick for around 11 years and has , by the grace of God, survived cancer twice in those 11 years. He is however now old, tired and if truth be told ready to go home. Despite the years of sickness and the numerous challenges they brought us, despite knowing that one day he would of course have to return home to Heavenly Father, there is nothing that can prepare you to hear the words "your dad is dying" or "your dad will die".
There have been times this past week where I have looked at my dad and thought no way is this happening and at other times I have looked at him and felt fear that this may very well be the moment it all happens. The truth is I am not ready to lose my dad. He raised me, loved me and made me who I am. He taught me to have faith, to trust in the lord regardless of what the world teaches, he showed me how to love unconditionally and he taught me the offside rule. I am proud to be his daughter and I hope he is proud of me.
There are no words that can ease the pain within my heart, there is no magic cure that can take away the fear and anguish I feel. What there is however is my faith in the lord and the healing power of the atonement. The path I walk right now may be difficult, the weeks ahead uncertain and filled with despair, but I know that I do not walk it alone. The saviour walks it right beside me. When it all becomes too much and I can't walk another step he will carry me. I have no doubt that that is true.
I love my dad. He is my hero and my best friend. I don't want to lose him ever but I can and I do take comfort in the knowledge that he will be going to a place of peace and glory. A place of rest where he will be reunited with those family members he has missed for a long time. Although it is difficult there is also a joy and a beauty within the gospel of Christ and the knowledge that death is not the end.
The truth is I do not always understand God's reasoning but I trust him completely. I am and always will be my daddy's princess and my love for him, just like families, is eternal.
My wonderful, rather fabulous dad has been sick for around 11 years and has , by the grace of God, survived cancer twice in those 11 years. He is however now old, tired and if truth be told ready to go home. Despite the years of sickness and the numerous challenges they brought us, despite knowing that one day he would of course have to return home to Heavenly Father, there is nothing that can prepare you to hear the words "your dad is dying" or "your dad will die".
There have been times this past week where I have looked at my dad and thought no way is this happening and at other times I have looked at him and felt fear that this may very well be the moment it all happens. The truth is I am not ready to lose my dad. He raised me, loved me and made me who I am. He taught me to have faith, to trust in the lord regardless of what the world teaches, he showed me how to love unconditionally and he taught me the offside rule. I am proud to be his daughter and I hope he is proud of me.
There are no words that can ease the pain within my heart, there is no magic cure that can take away the fear and anguish I feel. What there is however is my faith in the lord and the healing power of the atonement. The path I walk right now may be difficult, the weeks ahead uncertain and filled with despair, but I know that I do not walk it alone. The saviour walks it right beside me. When it all becomes too much and I can't walk another step he will carry me. I have no doubt that that is true.
I love my dad. He is my hero and my best friend. I don't want to lose him ever but I can and I do take comfort in the knowledge that he will be going to a place of peace and glory. A place of rest where he will be reunited with those family members he has missed for a long time. Although it is difficult there is also a joy and a beauty within the gospel of Christ and the knowledge that death is not the end.
The truth is I do not always understand God's reasoning but I trust him completely. I am and always will be my daddy's princess and my love for him, just like families, is eternal.
Sunday, 20 March 2016
Where there is darkness there is light.
These such emotions and experiences are over lapping in my life right now. I am filled with joy and excitement as I plan my wedding and my future. I am filled with hope for the new chapter in my life and all it may bring. I am also filled with anguish and sadness and fear over my dad's health. These multiple feelings over lap each other like crashing waves, making it difficult to truly know how I really feel.
There is one feeling however that remains the same throughout. That is the feeling of the love of My saviour and Heavenly Father. That feeling and emotion never changes. Regardless of circumstance.
In the moments of joy I am thankful to my Heavenly Father for the many wonderful blessings he has seen fit to bless me with. In the more painful moments, filled with anguish and serious levels of anxiety and uncertainty I am filled with the love of my saviour and the knowledge I have that he will not leave me comfort less, he will come to me. Even when the world seems dark, faith in Christ and his love for us means there will always be a light.
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